No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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