who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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