So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
operation have a gay friend backfired
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize