apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
