I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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