i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
