The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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