there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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