AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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