my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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