if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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