then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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