sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
