We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
