i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
