I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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