i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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