you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize