I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
