New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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