Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
