I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
