watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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