You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
