Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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