i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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