nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize