proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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