Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
