Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Randomize
