I CAN MOONWALK!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
