i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize