I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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