That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
