looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
