Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
