I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
