My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
