The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
