Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
