; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
