He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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