I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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