I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
