Just fell off a train. Bad.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
