chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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