Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
