He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
