Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
