I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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