do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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