In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
