My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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