I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
