Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
