u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
