hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
