FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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