Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
