went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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