They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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