cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
