So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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